Self confidence (and a lack thereof)

So the past week has taught me some invaluable lessons about myself.

1. That I care perhaps more than I should about my studies when compared to other people.

2. That I need to relax more and let it come to me.

3. That I need to live my life for me rather than living as though I'm on camera for the world to see.

4. That I need to have more confidence in my abilities.

Each of the above has been a very rude awakening to me. They also need clarification, which I have been given through my own personal lessons since my last blog entry. As I'm the only one following my blog at the moment I don't owe anybody any apologies for not writing save for myself.

So what do I mean by the above four lessons?

1. There seem to be a majority of people in the course studies that I am a part of who simply don't care or are so relaxed about their studies that at times it can become inspiring rather than striking me as being lazy. Sure, it's important that I get my studies done to the best of my abilities but at what cost? That in other areas of my life I am so uptight and stressed that I become unable to perform at a peak level? That when I lay down to go to rest I am so worked up about work that has to be done that rather than getting much needed sleep that I get up and do said work? It's a balance that I need to find and I'm working on that.

2.  I suppose this works itself into number one. I've been so up tight for the past few months with so much on my plate. I look in the mirror and I see an overweight, out of shape thirty year old who because of events from the past has to forge a new career. I haven't got the educational background necessary and the types of industry (business, marketing, etc.) that I can become outstanding in require a piece of paper to get to that level. So I believed it was a race against time to get said pieces of paper rather than fully enjoying the learning process - which I have been but not to the full extent that I could have been.


3. I went outside for a bit of fresh air last night and it struck me - I'm not living with the freedom that I should be enjoying. Subconsciously I feel convicted to do what somebody else (God knows who, my mother, my ex, etc.) expect of me and their rules of society and of daily life. I don't really know why this is so (giving care to my mother around the clock for several years in her dying years, losing two years of my life elsewhere, being on the clock and always on the road for my former employer among so many other potential reasons) . It's taken me a long time to realize and appreciate that I am living my own life. I can do what I like (within the law) and I have to make myself happy. 


4. So this morning I decided that it was time, a full week and a half before it was due, to do my CPT120 (programming) assessment project. I'd done okay in that class until then. I got the parameters of what we had to design and program. I sat down in front of the programming software and worked for about an hour on trying to find the solution so that I would be graded well. I went blank. I had no idea what I was doing. My self confidence was so low that I posted on our discussion forum for advice. My heading "I feel like a dummy..." - I went back at it right after posting and programmed the first thing right. "That wasn't so difficult, was it?" and then the whole thing slowly came together. I built off doing one thing right to get the next one and so on. Ultimately it worked out - I didn't require any help, it was all there inside of me but I didn't have the confidence to believe in my own abilities.


So that's really been the past week. It's been very character building. I'm growing as a person, slowly does it, and ultimately I believe that I will get to where I want to be. Hard work never killed anyone and it will not kill me!